BAR JOKES, RIDDLES, and PICK UP LINES
Miss Charming's Favorite Bar Jokes
A guy walks into a bar and says Ouch!
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A dylexic man walks into a bra.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, Il have a beer, and a mop.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, Why the long
face?
A tissue walks into a bar and the bartender asks he can pour him
a drink. Tissue says, Hell no, it'll go right through me! The
bartender says, Well, you don't have to get all snotty about it.
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Sorry, we don't
serve strings, says the barman. That's discrimination, says the
string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself
in a knot and messes up his end. He comes back out and approaches
the bar and again attempts to order a drink. Aren't you that string
I just refused to serve? asks the barman. No. I'm a frayed knot.
A mushroom walks into a bar and starts buying drinks for everyone.
Eventually, someone leans over and says to the mushroom, Your
a fungi (fun guy) to have around.
A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer and a blond walk
into a bar. The bartender says, Hey, what is this, some kind of
a joke?
Four Fonts walk into a bar and the barman says, Get out! We don’t
want your TYPE in here!
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says:, Sorry,
but we don't serve minors.
The Dali Lama walks into a bar and half way through his drink
the bartender asks, How is everything?
A pony walks into a bar and in a soft and raspy voice says to
the bartender, Gimme a beer. The bartender says, Sure buddy, sounds
like you got a cough. The pony replies, I'm a little hoarse.
A willow tree walks into a bar, and a guy sitting next to the
counter says to the bartender, Who's the new guy? And the bartender
says, I don't know, but I've heard he's a shady character!
A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the finest single
malt scotch. The bartender sets him up and the guy takes the first
shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last
shot and does the same. The bartender asks, Why did you do that?
And the guy replies, Well the first shot always tastes like crap
,and the last one always makes me sick!
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables and the bartender says,
You can come in, but don't start anything!
A man walks into a bar and says, Give me a beer before problems
start! Again, the man orders a beer again saying, Give me a beer
before problems start! The bartender looks confused. This goes
on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally
confused and asks the man, When are you going to pay for these
beers? The man answers, Now the problems start!
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets
the beer down and says, For you, no charge!
A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them
up and the bartender says, Don't you need to know where the bathroom
is? The pig says, No, I go wee wee all the way home.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says, A beer please, and one for the road.
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says,
That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in
here. The kangaroo says, At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand.
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog.
The man asks, Does your dog bite?. The lady answers, Never! The
man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man
says, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite! The woman replies,
He doesn't. This isn't my dog.
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving
drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says,
What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving
drinks before? The guy says, No, I never thought the parrot would
sell the place.
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, Sorry, we
don't serve food in here.
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon.
He sidles up to the bar and announces, I'm lookin' fer the man
that shot my paw.
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say,
You look nice today. A few minutes later he again hears a small
voice, That's a nice shirt. The guy asks the bartender, Who is
that? The bartender says, Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!
A baby seal walks into a bar. What can I get you?, asks the bartender.
Anything but a Canadian Club, replies the seal.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, We have a drink
named after you. The grasshopper says, You've got a drink named
Steve?
Two five-dollar bills walk into a bar and the bartender tells
them that this is a singles bar.
A duck walks in a bar and orders a beer then says put it on my
bill.
A snake crawls into a bar and orders a whiskey, but the bartender
won’t serve him because he can’t hold hid liquor.
A man walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila from the
bartender. As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, I don’t
think you should be drinking those so fast. You would if you had
what I have, the man says, throwing back number 11. Well, what
is it you have? The man throws back his last shot and says, Fifty
cents.
A businessman walks into a bar and orders a Martini. After he
finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then he orders
another Martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside
his shirt pocket and orders another Martini. The bartender finally
asks the man why he keeps looking inside his shirt before ordering
a Martini. The man says, I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When
she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home.
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman walk into a pub and each
order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over,
three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The
Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another
pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long
swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly
between his fingers and shakes him and yells, Spit it out, ya
bastard! Spit it out!
A man walked into a bar and ordered Martini after Martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar
was filled with olives the Irishman started to leave. The bartender
asked him what that was all about and he said, my wife just sent
me out for a jar of olives.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the
crowd of drinkers and says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard
drinkers and I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here
who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet
and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty
minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps
the Texan on the shoulder and asks if his bet still good. The
Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them all back-to-back.The other pub patrons cheer as
the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the
$500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for
that 30 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh, I had
to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.
Charles Dickens: I’ll have a Martini
Bartender: Olive or Twist?
What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 beers.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A
recovering alcoholic.
Three hard of hearing old ladies are walking down the street.
First lady: Whew, it's windy today!
Second Lady: No. Today's Thursday!
Third lady: So am I! Let's go to a bar!
There was a guy who had at least 4-5 drinks of whiskey every day
of his adult life. When he died, they cremated him, and it took
two days to put out the fire!
How many Irish does it take to change a light bulb? 21. One to
hold the bulb and twenty to drink until the room starts spinning.
This really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in
a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at 60 and
exclaims, I can't believe I lost 100 pounds!
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish Funeral?
One less drunk.
A doctor tells a man that the best thing to do is to give up drinking
and smoking, get up early every morning and go to bed early every
night. The patient paused and then asked, What's the second best
thing to do?
A giraffe bellies up to the bar and says, Hey guys, the high balls
are on me!
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking and the bartender
finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave
and falls flat on his face, but figures he'll crawl outside and
get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside
he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and
at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through
the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one
more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is
sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing
over him shouting at him, The pub called and said you left your
damn wheelchair there again.
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been
weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window
and says, Sir, I need you to blow into this Breathalyzer tube.
The man says, sorry officer I can't do that because I’m
an asthmatic and if I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.
Well, then I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
sample. I can't do that either because I’m a hemophiliac
or I’ll bleed to death. All right then, we need a urine
sample. I'm sorry officer I can't do that either because I’m
also a diabetic and I’ll get really low blood sugar if I
do that. Okay then, I need you to come out here and walk this
white line. I can't do that, officer because I'm drunk.
Two young Irish men were getting ready to go on a camping trip.
The first one said, I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just
in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking? The other one
said, two rattlesnakes!
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says, I'm Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, you're
not. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest
says, No, son, you're not. The drunk says, Look, I can prove it.
He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender
takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, you're
here again?
A man walks out of a bar and meets a policeman. Hey, the policeman
says, your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking Bloody Mary's?
Well, the man says, your eyes are glazed, have you been eating
donuts?
After the Great Britain Beer Festival in London all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits
down and says, Hola Señor, I would like the world's best
beer, a Corona. The bartender gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser
says, I'd like the best beer in the world, give me The King Of
Beers, a Budweiser. The bartender gives him one. The guy from
Coors says, I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring
water, give me a Coors. He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits
down and says, Give me a Coke. The other brewery presidents look
over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?
The Guinness president replies, Well, if you guys aren't drinking
beer, neither will I.
Miss Charming's Favorite Bar Riddles
Riddle
A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender
pulls out a shotgun and points it at him. The man says, thank
you then leaves. Why does he thank the bartender?
Answer
The man had the hiccups. The water and being scared by the gun
stopped the hiccups.
Riddle
Two guys walk into a bar. They both order the special, Long Island
Iced Tea, which is poured from the same pitcher. One of them drinks
his drink slowly and one of them drinks it fast. They walk outside
and suddenly the guy who drank his Long Island Tea slowly drops
to the ground and dies. They order an autospy and find that he
died from poison. How could this be if the other guy drank the
same tea and didnt even get sick?
Answer
There was poison in the ice of the drinks. The guy who drank it
fast finished it before the ice melted. The guy who drank it slowly
gave the ice time to melt so the poison got in the drink and he
died.
Riddle
A man walked home after having been out drinking. He walked down
the middle of a deserted country road. There were no streetlights
to illuminate the road and there was no moonlight. He was dressed
all in black. Suddenly a car that did not have its headlights
on came racing down the road. At the last moment, the driver of
the car saw the man and swerved to avoid him.
How did he manage to see him?
Answer
He was returning home in the middle of the day, so anyone could
have seen him.
Riddle
Roy Smith wanted a new bar. He was such an eccentric old bar owner
that he wanted a bar in which all fours walls faced south. After
much thought, the builders managed to construct just such a bar.
How did they do it?
Answer
They built it at the North Pole.
Riddle
If Mackensey, Alex, Carly, Leslie, Meagan and Charlie like Chocolate
Martinis and Pete, Samantha, Trinity, and Victoria do not, then
does Quinn like Chocolate Martinis?
Answer
Quinn does not like Chocolate Martinis because only those with
initials from A - M like Chocolate Martinis.
Riddle
Ted likes onions but not olives, tonic water not soda water, and
a Tom Collins over a John Collins. According to the same rule
does he like tomato juice or orange juice?
Answer
Ted likes tomato juice. He only likes words that start with prepositions.
Riddle
There were two Americans sitting in a British Pub. One of them
was the father of the other one's son. How could this be so?
Answer
They were husband and wife.
Riddle
What is the easiest way to throw a bottle of Rum, have it stop,
and completely reverse direction after traveling a short distance?
Answer
Throw it straight up
Riddle
If you go to the club and you're paying the cover, is it cheaper
to take one friend to the club twice, or two friends to the club
at the same time?
Answer
It's cheaper to take two friends at the same time. In this case,
you would only be buying three covers, whereas if you take the
same friend twice you are buying four covers.
Riddle
There are four girls, and four bottles of wine in a picnic basket.
Every girl takes a bottle, yet one bottle remains in the basket?
How is this possible?
Answer
The answer is that one girl took the picnic basket. She took the
last bottle of wine while it was in the basket.
Riddle
Some one was murdered at Joe’s Bar & Grill on a Sunday
afternoon. The police interviewed the suspects and got their alibis.
They were:
Cook: was cutting celery
Manager: was getting mail
Bartender: was filling the beer cooler
Cocktail waitress: was cutting fruit
Paul the regular: was reading the paper
The police arrested the murderer with no problem at all.
Who was the murder and how did the police know so easily?
Answer
The manager. Mail does not come on Sunday.
Miss Charming's Favorite Pick Up Lines
Most pick up lines are used as an icebreaker to
pick up women. After all, in most cases, to pick up a man all
one needs to say is, Let’s go! The pick up lines in this
book are tasteful. Distasteful pick up lines can be found on the
Internet by the millions. However, the type of woman you’d
use them on is questionable.
A line that I use all the time to flirt, make someone feel good,
or get them out of my well/service area is to say, Excuse me,
can you please move away from the bar, you’re melting all
the ice. It will take a good three seconds for this line to sink
in their head and that’s when you give them a sexy smile.
The line can be used by anyone on the other side of the bar as
well and anywhere there is ice. It works like a charm.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
If I was Peter Pan, you'd be my happy thought.
Go up to someone, and check his or her shirt tag and say Sorry,
I was just checking to see if you were made in Heaven.
Look at all those curves, and me with no brakes!
I know that milk does a body good, but gosh, how much have you
been drinking?
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Are you lost ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I want to call your mom to thank
her.
My friends voted you The Most Beautiful Girl Here and the grand
prize is me.
I'd say Bless You when you sneeze, but I can see that God already
has.
Hi I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart.
Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I've been
searching for!
You must be Jamaican because you Jamaican me crazy.
If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right, someone said you were looking for me.
You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me
over here!
I think I'm in heaven because you look like an angel. Can you
take off your shirt so that I can check for wings?
Girl, I'd drink your bath water.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Damn girl, you have more curves than a racetrack.
I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
I'm new in town and can't find my way around; could I have directions
to your place?
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's
just a sparkle.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over
there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance
purposes.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd but U and I together.
Are you a parking ticket? Because its just you've got fine written
all over you.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m
asking for only one.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call, fine print!
Excuse me, I think it's time we met.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Is there an airport near or is that my heart taking off.
If life is a meat market, you're prime rib.
See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Do you have a Band-Aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you
over there.
Can you touch my hand? I just wanted to know what its like to
be touched by an angel.
Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
They say that beauty protects against all evil. With you around
I feel really safe!
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want
for Christmas.
