Bar & Cocktail Lists
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
The Top 15 Signs You Have A Drinking
Problem
1 Mosquitoes spiral to the ground in circles after biting you.
2 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
3 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5 You sincerely believe alcohol to be the 5th food group.
6 Norm! is what they say when you enter the bar.
7 When you can focus better with one eye closed
8 The parking lot seems to have moved while you in the bar,
9 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10 You hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
11 When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
12 Vampires get woozy after biting you.
13 You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
14 The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
15 Your only friends are named Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
Crazy Cocktails
Absolut Zero; Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
A Luau Fight; 151 Rum and Hawaiian Punch
American in Paris; Kentucky Bourbon and Champagne
Blood Clot; Vodka, and cherry Jell-O
Bloody Awful; Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon; Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Honeydew the Dishes; Midori and Dawn
Mexican Hairless; Tequila and Nair
Oil of Ole’; Mazola and Sangria
Orient Express; Sake and Prune Juice
Phillip’s Screwdriver; Vodka, and Phillip’s Milk of
Magnesia
Piledriver; Vodka and Prune Juice
Port in a Storm; Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor; Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
liqueur and a handful of Reese’s Pieces
Rum with a View; Bacardi and Visine
Sake-To-Me; Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm; Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck; Cutty Sark on the rocks
Short Wave; Ripple in a shot glass
Sour Kraut; Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver; Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
Tequila Mockingbird; Tequila and birdseed
Three Men and a Baby; Jim Beam, Jack Daniel's, Johnnie
Three Mile Island Tea; Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, and plutonium
Walker, and Enfamil
Top Ten Warning Labels
1. Consumption
of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying
for you to telephone them at 4am in the morning.
2. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at 100 yards.
3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
4. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
idiot.
5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what
you really think while photocopying your butt at the office holiday
party.
6. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
7. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again.
8. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy
named Chuck.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
with you.
10. Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
The Top Beer Symptoms
1
Symptom; Beer is unusually pale and tasteless.
Cause; Glass is empty.
Remedy; Get someone to buy you another beer.
2
Symptom; Beer is tasteless and front of your shirt is wet.
Cause; Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Remedy; Walk to nearest restroom and practice in mirror.
3
Symptom; Feet are cold and wet.
Cause; Improper bladder control.
Remedy; Make the excuse that you were previously standing next
to a dog. Request another beer to calm your nerves.
4
Symptom; Floor blurred.
Cause; You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Remedy; Get someone to buy you another beer.
5
Symptom; Floor moving.
Cause; You are being carried out.
Remedy; Ask if you are being taken to another bar.
6
Symptom; Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Cause; You have fallen over backward.
Remedy; Have someone tie you upright to the bar until your designated
driver is ready take you home.
7
Symptom; Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Cause; You have fallen forward.
Remedy; See above.
8
Symptom; Room seems unusually dark.
Cause; Bar has closed.
Remedy; Ask the bartender to call you a taxi.
The Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By
Men & Women in Bars and what they actually mean
Women
1. Let's be friends; I want you to stay around so I can tell you
in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have
sex with. It's that male perspective thing.
2. I think of you as a brother; you remind me of that inbred banjo-playing
geek in Deliverance.
3. There's a slight difference in our ages; you are one Jurassic
geezer.
4. I'm not attracted to you in that way; you are the ugliest dork
I've ever laid eyes upon.
5. My life is too complicated right now; I don't want you spending
the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the
other guys I'm seeing.
6. I've got a boyfriend; who's really my male cat and a half gallon
of Ben and Jerry's.
7. I don't date men where I work; I wouldn't even date you if
you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.
8. It's not you, it's me; It's not me, it's you.
9. I'm concentrating on my career; even something as boring and
unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
10. I'm celibate; I've sworn off only the men like you.
Men
1. Let's be friends; you're ugly.
2. I think of you as a sister; you're ugly.
3. There's a slight difference in our ages; you're ugly.
4. I'm not attracted to you in that way; you're ugly.
5. My life is too complicated right now. You're ugly.
6. I've got a girlfriend; you’re ugly.
7. I don't date women where I work; you're ugly.
8. It's not you, it's me; you're ugly.
9. I'm concentrating on my career; you're ugly.
10. I'm celibate; you're ugly.
The Top Drink Personalities for Men
& Women
Women
Beer
Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth so challenge her to a game
of pool.
Blender Drinks
Flaky, whiny, annoying, high maintenance, and a pain so avoid
her unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed Drinks
Older, more refined, knows exactly what she wants so you won't
have to approach her because if she is interested she'll send
you a drink.
Wine (with the exception of White Zinfandel)
Conservative, classy, sophisticated yet giggles so tell her you
love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
White Zinfandel
Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated but really has no
clue so make her feel smarter than she is for an easy target.
Shots
Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk
then naked so nothing to do but wait.
Men
Domestic Beer
Poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer
Likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine
Hopes that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image
to help him get laid.
Whiskey
Doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila
Thinks he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel
Is gay.
The Top Ten Aussie Bar Terms
Aeroplane Blonde; one who has bleached/dyed her hair but still
has a black box.
Aussie Kiss; Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.
Beer Coat; the invisible but warm coat worn when walking home
after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
Beer Compass; the invisible device that ensures your safe arrival
home after a booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember
where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.
Britney Spears; modern slang for beers
Greyhound; a very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
Swamp Donkey; a deeply unattractive woman.
Tart Fuel; drinks consumed by young women.
Wallace and Gromit; rhyming slang for vomit.
Wynona Ryder; rhyming slang for cider.
The Top One-liners and their Real Meanings
You get this one and the next ones on me.
We won't be here long enough to get another round.
I’ll get this one and the next one is on you.
Happy hour is about to end and drafts are now a dollar, but
by the next round they'll be $4.50 each.
Who’s got the next round?
I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert
at diverting attention.
What do you have on tap?
What's cheap?
I’ve had like ten beers already.
I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
Really, I’m okay to drive.
I'm wasted, and I'm too embarrassed to have anybody see who
I'm going home with.
That person looks familiar.
Did I sleep with them?
Do you have any Sambuca?
I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at
him in the morning.
Where is that friend of yours?
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get
your attractive friend into a compromising position.
Favorite Drinks for Females
Age 17: Wine Coolers
Age 25: White wine
Age 35: Red wine
Age 48: Port
Age 59: Pérignon
Age 76: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Male & Female One-liners and their
Real Meanings
I don’t feel well, let’s go home. (female)
You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.
I don’t feel well, let’s go home. (male)
I'm horny.
Ever try a body shot? (male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means I get to lick
you.
Ever try a body shot? (female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what
I'll do to you in bed?
Excuse me. (male to male)
Get the hell out of the way.
Excuse me. (male to female)
I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.
Excuse me. (female to male)
Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of
my way.
Excuse me. (female to female)
Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You're
certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a ho
and get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you.
Bart Simpson’s Prank Phone Calls
To Moe’s Bar
1. Al Coholic
2. Oliver Clothesoff
3. I.P. Freely
4. Jacques Strap
5. Seymour Butz?
6. Homer Sexual
7. Mike Rotch
8. Hugh Jass
9. Bee O'Problem
10. Amanda Huggenkiss
11. Ivana Tinkle
12. Anita Bath
13. Eura Snotball
